Uh-Oh... Holidays.

When someone comes out as transgender, the family freaks out. This is fact even if everyone in your family is also transgender… which pretty much has never happened in the history of the world. Anyway, fact is, there’s a LOT of things that go through family members’ minds when they get news like this—and lots of it has little to do with the actual transgender person. Is this person gay now? Do I need to use a new name or pronoun? Will everyone else use it? Should I let this person talk to my kids about this change? What will my friends think? How are we supposed to act during the next family get-together? Lots of these questions seem superficial to the rest of us, but they’re very real, and often very pressing, for the people they are occurring to.

The gender binary is a staple for many families’ versions of holiday get-togethers. If your family is like mine, all the “men” hang out in the living room insulting one another’s wives and politics while all of the “women” work on the food and compare the accomplishments of their children… while everyone under twenty-five is confined to the porch. Gender plays a big role in the family, but I promise you: people have gotten through their family get-togethers with a transgender family member or guest in the past, and YOU CAN TOO.

You’ve got options. Say your brother is now your sister, but has always spent the holiday in the masculine-designated section of the house. Why stop now? You can also embrace the binary and convince your sister to hang out with the women for the first time. Or, you can try something totally different; pick a non-gendered space, like the den or dining room, to hang out in, and encourage everyone in the house to spend time with you—a board game or snack may help with this. No matter the strategy you take, it’s not a bad idea to stay with her to provide a quick subject-change or exit strategy if things go awry. You never know though; your family just may surprise you.

The first time your family meets the new version of your relative/guest is going to be a bit awkward; that’s pretty much a fact. The second fact is that you are still family, and as awkward and annoying and insensitive as they may be at times—or almost always—there’s still that family connection, and that still means something.

The Tough Parts

Being a trans ally, or “Transgender Defender” if you’re feeling super-hero-y about it, isn’t always easy. Sometimes it’s awkward, or alienating—you can’t explain your feelings to people who embrace the binary, but you can’t truly relate to the transfolk who utterly reject it either. In fact, being a trans ally can be downright depressing sometimes.

Say you’re dating a transgender person, and all your friends freak out because you’re no longer adhering to their definitions of ‘gay’ or ‘straight’—a dichotomy based on gender. Say your parents freak out because they don’t think you’ll ever have children. Or, say your aunts and uncles don’t let you near your baby cousins because you might somehow destroy them. That part’s my favorite.

Say you’re related to a transgender person, and the rest of the family starts whispering behind your back. Wondering why you’re so supportive of the perversity, as they see it, wondering what it is you have to gain from making all of them feel so awkward. Trashing you because you’re not united against the problem like the rest of the family; you’re not helping to find a solution.

Say you’re just friendly with a transgender person, and your friends and family all worry that you might decide you’re going to change your appearance or even body, too. Say you get shunned because no one wants to be associated with someone, who associates with someone, who’s different.

Say this all happened years ago, and you think by now everyone’s over it. Then your transgender friend does his first drag performance, and someone who’s known about this friend for years—someone who’s supposed to love and respect you unconditionally—says, “when will it make up its mind?” That can throw you into a funk for a weekend.

Thing is, no matter how far you come with the people you love, there’s still some more to go. Unless everyone you know is marching alongside you in the transgender pride march—and sometimes even then—there’s going to be strife. Sometimes you’re aware of it and can sidestep it. Sometimes it blindsides you out of left field.

There are two things to remember when this happens. One, if you feel ostracized, just imagine how the transgender person who got you into this community feels. Two—you are not alone. There are tons of transgender allies out there, and they are all facing the same kinds of things in their daily lives. In fact, that’s why this blog exists.