When a loved one comes out as transgender, it’s hard to understand. They’ve lived their whole lives as the gender they were born into—why would they suddenly want to be the opposite one (or even more confusing, why would they suddenly invent a third gender?)? Are they mad at you or your family? Are they seeking attention? Is it a point they have to prove? Is it just a phase?
Coming out and transitioning (changing one’s appearance etc) is different for everyone. There are, however, a few practically universal tips you can keep in mind to help make the process easier for you, your transgender sibling, and the rest of your family.
ONE: It’s not that sudden. Sometimes your buzz-cut, makeup-phobic sister comes out as a guy and you go, “duh!” Other times, the news is a complete shock. Maybe she’s worn dresses and dated boys her whole life, and is suddenly unrecognizable to you. Remember, though: although it may feel like everything’s changed overnight, in reality your sibling has probably been dealing with this for years.
TWO: S/he’s still the same person. It may seem like a stranger has taken up residence in your sister’s room, but I assure you, the person you shared secrets with and stole Halloween candy from is still right there. Just because they look different doesn’t mean they have changed or their feelings for you or your family have changed.
THREE: It’s not about you. Often, someone will come out during a difficult time—a divorce, a family move. Coming out during a tough time is NOT a malicious move. It may mean the stress of the event on top of the ‘secret’ was too much to take; it may mean they want to start this new phase of your lives with a more open identity. Whatever the reason, it’s not about attention or upsetting you.
FOUR: Ignoring it won’t make it go away. The only thing you will accomplish by refusing to acknowledge or respect the change is making your sibling feel more alienated than s/he probably already does. Do your best (no one’s perfect!) to respect the new pronouns (and name if there is one). Doing this will help your sibling feel safe and appreciated.
FIVE: They still need you. Coming out is hard. The fact that they’ve talked to you means they trust you, value you, and want you in their life. It’s hard to understand, but do your best to keep an open mind. You’ve no idea the gift you’ll be giving just by being there.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
College Dresscode: No Cross-Dressing
So. A college is banning cross-dressing. In 2009. College.
Morehouse College (an “all-male” school) has put together an “Appropriate Attire Policy” that includes everything you’d expect a dress code to have: no hats or sunglasses in buildings, no pajamas or sagging pants. Oh, and no wearing feminine clothing.
I’m really wary of any college that feels the need to put out a dress code for its students. I’m extremely wary of something so blatantly transphobic as a dress code that disallows people who have certain sexual organs to dress in ways associated with other sexual organs. My favorite part is that students who break the policy will be denied access to class, and people who do it often enough will be suspended. Frequently, an argument for dress codes is that it allows students to focus on their studies. Are these studies only useful to people who dress the way the President of the College does? I’ve heard higher education be referred to as brainwashing, but damn.
According to one article, the school’s gay-straight alliance is not against the policy.
Granted, gender variance is probably not as expected and accepted in Georgia as it is in New England. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen, though—just that transfolk who are born and raised in areas that are less accepting are even more closeted and, most likely, feel even more isolated. This kind of rule is just one example of the myriad of ways that this isolation, and the feeling of shame that often accompanies being in the closet, is enforced and upheld by society in general. We still have a lot of work to do if we’re ever going to get to a point where freedom of expression is more than just a liberal ideal.
I recently heard on the radio about a similar situation in a high school. I’ll try to look that up ASAP. In the meantime, here is the link to the article. I’d love to hear some response to this!
Morehouse College (an “all-male” school) has put together an “Appropriate Attire Policy” that includes everything you’d expect a dress code to have: no hats or sunglasses in buildings, no pajamas or sagging pants. Oh, and no wearing feminine clothing.
I’m really wary of any college that feels the need to put out a dress code for its students. I’m extremely wary of something so blatantly transphobic as a dress code that disallows people who have certain sexual organs to dress in ways associated with other sexual organs. My favorite part is that students who break the policy will be denied access to class, and people who do it often enough will be suspended. Frequently, an argument for dress codes is that it allows students to focus on their studies. Are these studies only useful to people who dress the way the President of the College does? I’ve heard higher education be referred to as brainwashing, but damn.
According to one article, the school’s gay-straight alliance is not against the policy.
Granted, gender variance is probably not as expected and accepted in Georgia as it is in New England. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen, though—just that transfolk who are born and raised in areas that are less accepting are even more closeted and, most likely, feel even more isolated. This kind of rule is just one example of the myriad of ways that this isolation, and the feeling of shame that often accompanies being in the closet, is enforced and upheld by society in general. We still have a lot of work to do if we’re ever going to get to a point where freedom of expression is more than just a liberal ideal.
I recently heard on the radio about a similar situation in a high school. I’ll try to look that up ASAP. In the meantime, here is the link to the article. I’d love to hear some response to this!
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