Is This Thing On?

Let’s be honest… this is a shameless, shameless attempt at interaction. I keep making those. But at this point, I’m SO interested in feedback, I’m willing to dedicate an ENTIRE post just to getting some! Yay self-promotion!

I want to know what you think, but specifically, I want to know what you want me to write about. Blogs really only work if the blogger is writing about things the reader cares about, see. I do what I can to mix up the topics and keep things interesting, but more often than not, the post passes on down the page, comment-less and sad. I know you’re reading them though—blogger tells me you are anyway—so I’m just wondering—where’s the response?

I want this blog to be a really flexible resource for everyone—parents, friends, siblings, partners, and of course the curious onlooker. That’s a pretty diverse group, so of course the blog reflects that—in content as well as in style. Some posts only pertain to parents or siblings, while others are partner-specific, which is why the tags exist. Additionally, while some posts are about general topics and personal experiences, others focus on time-sensitive news, or else highlight an important resource to the trans community that I think you might like to take a look at.

But you already know all of that! I guess what my question for you is—is it working? I want to hear from you! If you let me know what you want to see more of, what works and what doesn’t, I’ll definitely keep that in mind when I write. Suggest some topics! Share some experiences! I’d hoped that this blog would be a way for people to connect—so feel free to use it!

When A Partner Transitions: Part Two: Conflict

If you’ve never done it before, dating a trans person can be hard— especially if that person is someone you’re used to thinking of as a girl or boy already. Don’t feel guilty for the feelings you have about the transition—rather, explore them, be aware of them, be honest about them, and do your best to work through them. It can be really hard to feel like you have to give up the person you know, and really hard to start using a new name and/or pronoun because, let’s face it, you cared for that person strongly as they were, and maybe you don’t want them to change. The most important thing to remember in this situation is that your partner is not gone, and you are not now dating a stranger. Your partner did not change overnight; rather, they chose to share something with you that they’ve undoubtedly been thinking about privately for a long time. The person you love is still right there by your side. In fact, if you stay through the tough beginning parts, I can almost guarantee that you’ll begin to see a happier, more confident version of your lover emerge.

Beyond the “loss” experience, there’s the matter of your own private identity to attend to. If you’re queer, you’ve probably struggled a bit to come to that conclusion; you may have lost friends, fought with your family, broken a couple hearts, and spent a real long time choosing the words you use to identify with. If you identify as a lesbian, chances are, you’re proud of it; and if your partner is now a man, chances are, you’re facing a crisis. If you’re straight, dating a trans person is just as earth-shattering because you, my friend, are about to lose the heterosexual privilege that you have carried with you unknowingly every day of your life.

Can you continue identifying the way you always have? Probably—but be very conscious of how you do it. You don’t want to accidentally cause your transgender partner pain or offense. Be aware that this is probably even harder on your partner. Never, ever disregard their identity in order to cling to your own; it’s okay to acknowledge both. Go ahead and say you’re a lesbian dating a man—educate someone by example. Over time, you may begin to consider adopting a more fluid label, and you may even develop a strong sense of pride in your role in the trans world (I was a lesbian once too, you know!). Generally speaking, if your partner is transitioning, you are too. Embrace it. You’re about to have a wonderful experience. And remember—you’re not alone! We’re here!

When A Partner Transitions: Part One: Questions

I can TOTALLY say everything I want to say about this topic in four hundred words… Ha. This is going to be my first ever double post. Just promise to pick up my book someday.

Last week, we figured out that your sexual identity hinges largely on the gender identity of the people you date. So—what happens when your long-term partner comes out as transgender? Do you have to use the new pronoun all the time? Will you still be able to be physically intimate in the same way, or will that change too? Now that your partner’s come out as transgender, do you have to come out as something else? What is that even called? What if you’re comfortable with the label you’re already using, and don’t want to change it—is that okay?

Funny story—the answers to these, and the million other questions going through your head, are different for every single person. Surprise! No two transitions are the same. Each starting point is different, each ending point is different (Hormones? Surgery? Name change? Just a haircut?), and each individual journey has about as many factors and variables attached as a human life can possibly have. A trans person could opt for a whole bunch of surgery, or they could be perfectly happy with a wardrobe change. Your partner might “go stealth” and try to “pass” as a biological male or female all the time; your partner may also go the “trans pride” route, and tell anyone and everyone about what transitioning is like. There are also, of course, a million in-between scenarios. In each case, you are going to have to make some compromises—but remember, nothing happens overnight.

The bottom line with this is, you’re going to have to talk to your partner— a lot. The word “transgender” is a lot like “Christian” or “Democrat” in that lots of people use it, but it means something different to everyone, and no one aspect of the concept is guaranteed to be real to any given person who claims the label. The only never-fail rule for dating a trans person is this: to stay with your partner, you’ll have to accept this new aspect of their identity. You will have to have some long, honest conversations, and you will have to compromise—and you WILL make some mistakes. Let it happen. You’re both new at this; you’re trying, and your partner will appreciate that.

Dating a transgender person is tricky; part two of this post (which is already scheduled to post, yay planning ahead!) gets more into the potential difficulties. Stay tuned…