When a loved one comes out as transgender, it’s hard to understand. They’ve lived their whole lives as the gender they were born into—why would they suddenly want to be the opposite one (or even more confusing, why would they suddenly invent a third gender?)? Are they mad at you or your family? Are they seeking attention? Is it a point they have to prove? Is it just a phase?
Coming out and transitioning (changing one’s appearance etc) is different for everyone. There are, however, a few practically universal tips you can keep in mind to help make the process easier for you, your transgender sibling, and the rest of your family.
ONE: It’s not that sudden. Sometimes your buzz-cut, makeup-phobic sister comes out as a guy and you go, “duh!” Other times, the news is a complete shock. Maybe she’s worn dresses and dated boys her whole life, and is suddenly unrecognizable to you. Remember, though: although it may feel like everything’s changed overnight, in reality your sibling has probably been dealing with this for years.
TWO: S/he’s still the same person. It may seem like a stranger has taken up residence in your sister’s room, but I assure you, the person you shared secrets with and stole Halloween candy from is still right there. Just because they look different doesn’t mean they have changed or their feelings for you or your family have changed.
THREE: It’s not about you. Often, someone will come out during a difficult time—a divorce, a family move. Coming out during a tough time is NOT a malicious move. It may mean the stress of the event on top of the ‘secret’ was too much to take; it may mean they want to start this new phase of your lives with a more open identity. Whatever the reason, it’s not about attention or upsetting you.
FOUR: Ignoring it won’t make it go away. The only thing you will accomplish by refusing to acknowledge or respect the change is making your sibling feel more alienated than s/he probably already does. Do your best (no one’s perfect!) to respect the new pronouns (and name if there is one). Doing this will help your sibling feel safe and appreciated.
FIVE: They still need you. Coming out is hard. The fact that they’ve talked to you means they trust you, value you, and want you in their life. It’s hard to understand, but do your best to keep an open mind. You’ve no idea the gift you’ll be giving just by being there.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
College Dresscode: No Cross-Dressing
So. A college is banning cross-dressing. In 2009. College.
Morehouse College (an “all-male” school) has put together an “Appropriate Attire Policy” that includes everything you’d expect a dress code to have: no hats or sunglasses in buildings, no pajamas or sagging pants. Oh, and no wearing feminine clothing.
I’m really wary of any college that feels the need to put out a dress code for its students. I’m extremely wary of something so blatantly transphobic as a dress code that disallows people who have certain sexual organs to dress in ways associated with other sexual organs. My favorite part is that students who break the policy will be denied access to class, and people who do it often enough will be suspended. Frequently, an argument for dress codes is that it allows students to focus on their studies. Are these studies only useful to people who dress the way the President of the College does? I’ve heard higher education be referred to as brainwashing, but damn.
According to one article, the school’s gay-straight alliance is not against the policy.
Granted, gender variance is probably not as expected and accepted in Georgia as it is in New England. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen, though—just that transfolk who are born and raised in areas that are less accepting are even more closeted and, most likely, feel even more isolated. This kind of rule is just one example of the myriad of ways that this isolation, and the feeling of shame that often accompanies being in the closet, is enforced and upheld by society in general. We still have a lot of work to do if we’re ever going to get to a point where freedom of expression is more than just a liberal ideal.
I recently heard on the radio about a similar situation in a high school. I’ll try to look that up ASAP. In the meantime, here is the link to the article. I’d love to hear some response to this!
Morehouse College (an “all-male” school) has put together an “Appropriate Attire Policy” that includes everything you’d expect a dress code to have: no hats or sunglasses in buildings, no pajamas or sagging pants. Oh, and no wearing feminine clothing.
I’m really wary of any college that feels the need to put out a dress code for its students. I’m extremely wary of something so blatantly transphobic as a dress code that disallows people who have certain sexual organs to dress in ways associated with other sexual organs. My favorite part is that students who break the policy will be denied access to class, and people who do it often enough will be suspended. Frequently, an argument for dress codes is that it allows students to focus on their studies. Are these studies only useful to people who dress the way the President of the College does? I’ve heard higher education be referred to as brainwashing, but damn.
According to one article, the school’s gay-straight alliance is not against the policy.
Granted, gender variance is probably not as expected and accepted in Georgia as it is in New England. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen, though—just that transfolk who are born and raised in areas that are less accepting are even more closeted and, most likely, feel even more isolated. This kind of rule is just one example of the myriad of ways that this isolation, and the feeling of shame that often accompanies being in the closet, is enforced and upheld by society in general. We still have a lot of work to do if we’re ever going to get to a point where freedom of expression is more than just a liberal ideal.
I recently heard on the radio about a similar situation in a high school. I’ll try to look that up ASAP. In the meantime, here is the link to the article. I’d love to hear some response to this!
Sunday, September 20, 2009
It's A Boy! It's A Girl! It's a Human Being!
So… seems like all I’ve been posting about lately is depressing and/or full of legal and political jargon. Let’s try to aim for some casual, honest conversation in this post, shall we?
A coworker of mine is having a baby. She and her husband have had two girls, and now they are finally having a little boy to complete their ideal family. That, of course, was exactly what she was hoping for; the chance to raise children that were both male and female. She’s very close to her due date, and of course customers compliment her and ask her questions all the time. Therefore, I constantly hear about how lucky she is to have both boys and girls; how much harder it is to raise one than the other; how many things she’ll have to deal with for one that she won’t have to deal with for the other.
I always want to ask her why it’s so important. Why is it necessary to have both sexes in order to complete the ideal family? Why is the first question asked, about any baby, by any friend or relative, about its sex? Why is the answer to that question always accompanied with images of fresh paint, fuzzy blankets, stuffed animals, pacifiers—that only come in one of two colors? The gendering of a human being starts well before ze is even born. Clothes, name, toys; everything is chosen to suggest the gender of the baby, and with that, the expectations for hir future. Oh, she’s so pretty, what a great smile, she’ll be an actress or a model; oh, his eyes are so bright, he’s going to be smart, he’ll be a doctor or a lawyer. All this before ze realizes ze exists, let alone that ze has hir own identity! By the time ze realizes that, an identity has long been assigned.
Mothers are often offended when a stranger comments that her little boy is pretty or her little girl is handsome. To avoid this, they put tiny pink bows on girls’ heads and tiny blue socks on boys’ feet. They pierce girls’ ears before they can talk; they keep boys’ hair short no matter how hard it is to keep them sitting still.
Isn’t gender a sociological construct? Aren’t the non-physical differences between boys and girls purely created by society? Doesn’t just about everyone complain about sexism? Why, then, do we continue to create it? Why is it so much easier? Your turn. Tell us what you think!
A coworker of mine is having a baby. She and her husband have had two girls, and now they are finally having a little boy to complete their ideal family. That, of course, was exactly what she was hoping for; the chance to raise children that were both male and female. She’s very close to her due date, and of course customers compliment her and ask her questions all the time. Therefore, I constantly hear about how lucky she is to have both boys and girls; how much harder it is to raise one than the other; how many things she’ll have to deal with for one that she won’t have to deal with for the other.
I always want to ask her why it’s so important. Why is it necessary to have both sexes in order to complete the ideal family? Why is the first question asked, about any baby, by any friend or relative, about its sex? Why is the answer to that question always accompanied with images of fresh paint, fuzzy blankets, stuffed animals, pacifiers—that only come in one of two colors? The gendering of a human being starts well before ze is even born. Clothes, name, toys; everything is chosen to suggest the gender of the baby, and with that, the expectations for hir future. Oh, she’s so pretty, what a great smile, she’ll be an actress or a model; oh, his eyes are so bright, he’s going to be smart, he’ll be a doctor or a lawyer. All this before ze realizes ze exists, let alone that ze has hir own identity! By the time ze realizes that, an identity has long been assigned.
Mothers are often offended when a stranger comments that her little boy is pretty or her little girl is handsome. To avoid this, they put tiny pink bows on girls’ heads and tiny blue socks on boys’ feet. They pierce girls’ ears before they can talk; they keep boys’ hair short no matter how hard it is to keep them sitting still.
Isn’t gender a sociological construct? Aren’t the non-physical differences between boys and girls purely created by society? Doesn’t just about everyone complain about sexism? Why, then, do we continue to create it? Why is it so much easier? Your turn. Tell us what you think!
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Another Transgender Murder...
Another couple of transgender stabbings, one resulting in a death, in Washington DC—and this on the tail of the Lateisha Green situation. I don’t know much about the Washington case yet; a friend sent me a link to this short newspaper article. We’ll definitely have to talk about the Lateisha Green trial in a future post; there’s much more information floating around about that.
The sad fact is, transgender people are harassed, assaulted, or worse every day. This shouldn’t be happening, and someday, the senseless hurting and killing of transgender people everywhere is going to be a thing of the past. In the meantime, though, we have to do what we can to keep our transfolk, and ourselves, as safe as possible.
There’s a phrase that comes up time and again at transgender-related meetings, in public speeches, and during various transgender events (especially Day of Remembrance): pray for the dead, and fight like hell for the living. Every time something this horrible happens is of course a huge setback, an utterly unnecessary death, and another unique and beautiful life ended too soon. There is always a silver lining, though; in the face of such tragedies as these, our community can come together, support one another, and work even harder to find ways to stop these needless attacks from occurring again.
Talking about it won’t save those we’ve lost, but raising awareness may help us to prevent these kinds of tragedies from affecting our community in the future. What are some ways that you can protect yourself in the event of an attack? Have you ever taken a self-defense course, or do you carry some form of protection (a weapon, pepper spray, a whistle)? Are the transgender or gender variant people in your life similarly prepared?
How are you honoring those we have lost? How are you going to continue to 'fight like hell' for the rights and safety of the living that remain behind to honor them?
The sad fact is, transgender people are harassed, assaulted, or worse every day. This shouldn’t be happening, and someday, the senseless hurting and killing of transgender people everywhere is going to be a thing of the past. In the meantime, though, we have to do what we can to keep our transfolk, and ourselves, as safe as possible.
There’s a phrase that comes up time and again at transgender-related meetings, in public speeches, and during various transgender events (especially Day of Remembrance): pray for the dead, and fight like hell for the living. Every time something this horrible happens is of course a huge setback, an utterly unnecessary death, and another unique and beautiful life ended too soon. There is always a silver lining, though; in the face of such tragedies as these, our community can come together, support one another, and work even harder to find ways to stop these needless attacks from occurring again.
Talking about it won’t save those we’ve lost, but raising awareness may help us to prevent these kinds of tragedies from affecting our community in the future. What are some ways that you can protect yourself in the event of an attack? Have you ever taken a self-defense course, or do you carry some form of protection (a weapon, pepper spray, a whistle)? Are the transgender or gender variant people in your life similarly prepared?
How are you honoring those we have lost? How are you going to continue to 'fight like hell' for the rights and safety of the living that remain behind to honor them?
Saturday, August 15, 2009
ENDA moves into the Senate!
So, the HRC blog (www.hrcbackstory.org) has announced that ENDA has passed in the House and moved on to the Senate. It seems ENDA has never made it this far before? If ENDA passes the Senate (WHEN—let’s be optimistic here), the two chambers will compare notes (in case one group amends it a different way than the other) and then send it off to the President. President Obama has promised to sign this bill into law if it reaches his desk, so, here’s hoping!
The blog includes some great quotes from the senators sponsoring the bill, including:
“There is no place in the workplace for employment discrimination. No worker in America should be fired or denied a job based on who they are.” Senator Merkley (D-OR), who also intends to “guarantee every America, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity, the right to earn a living.”
“The promise of America will never be fulfilled as long as justice is denied to even one among us. ENDA brings us closer to fulfilling that promise…” Senator Kennedy (D-MA).
“… ENDA would close an important gap in federal civil rights laws by making it illegal to discriminate in employment.” Senator Collins (R-ME), who also acknowledges that ENDA “affirms the principle that individuals should be judged on their skills and abilities, and not by who they are” when it comes to work.
There is no quote listed by Olympia Snowe (R-ME), but she is the fourth sponsor of ENDA in the Senate.
I know there are a lot of mixed feelings about HRC in the transgender community, and a lot of hard feelings as well, but regardless of what they’ve done in the past, they are working to help the community now. The HRC can be a great resource at times, and the HRC blog offers a behind-the-scenes glimpse into the ongoing, many-faceted fight for equality for all queer people.
HRC offers more information and stats on ENDA (did you know that it’s legal to fire someone for being gay in 29 states, and legal to fire someone for being trans in almost 40 out of 50??), and also offers a quick-and-easy way to contact your Senators and ask them for help. Just go to www.PassENDANow.org and enter your name and address. Personalizing your message is optional, and HRC will sort out which senators should get your message for you. It takes literally ten seconds—I’ve done it already, and you can too!
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Matthew Shepard Act Passes!
Years ago, Matthew Shepard was robbed, beaten into a coma, and left to die hanging on a fence post outside Laramie, Wyoming. I’ve had the pleasure and honor of meeting Judy Shepard, Matthew’s mom, who tours the country speaking out against hate crimes at colleges, offices, and other locations. Matthew’s attackers were not tried under hate crime laws; for this reason, as well as the fact that both Matthew and Judy are huge icons for the queer community, the new GLBT-inclusive hate crimes law is unofficially referred to in his honor (the bill’s ‘real’ title, “Local Law Enforcement Hate Crimes Prevention Act of 2009,” is much longer and much less meaningful).
The bill will expand the standing hate crimes law (which hasn’t changed much since 1969 when it was first signed into law) to include gender, gender identity, sexual orientation, and disability. Currently, crimes committed on the basis of these traits—such as the murder of Matthew Shepard, as well as the murders of those individuals honored every Transgender Day of Remembrance—are not considered hate crimes. That means the murderers are not tried under hate crime laws, which call for harsher punishments and the involvement of federal authorities. Without hate crime laws, local authorities can simply choose to ‘look the other way.’ This bill will stop that practice, and will also require the FBI to track information and publish statistics on hate crimes against transgender people, which it currently does not do (although it does for other groups). Lastly, this bill will provide funding for the investigations of hate crimes against GLBT and disabled people.
This bill is different from ENDA, which makes it illegal to discriminate against GLBT and disabled people in the workplace; however, it follows the same basic principles of looking at these groups of people as equals worthy of equal protections, rather than as second-class citizens as many people in these groups currently feel.
The bill was passed just a few days ago, and is on its way to President Obama, who has pledged to sign it into law!
The bill will expand the standing hate crimes law (which hasn’t changed much since 1969 when it was first signed into law) to include gender, gender identity, sexual orientation, and disability. Currently, crimes committed on the basis of these traits—such as the murder of Matthew Shepard, as well as the murders of those individuals honored every Transgender Day of Remembrance—are not considered hate crimes. That means the murderers are not tried under hate crime laws, which call for harsher punishments and the involvement of federal authorities. Without hate crime laws, local authorities can simply choose to ‘look the other way.’ This bill will stop that practice, and will also require the FBI to track information and publish statistics on hate crimes against transgender people, which it currently does not do (although it does for other groups). Lastly, this bill will provide funding for the investigations of hate crimes against GLBT and disabled people.
This bill is different from ENDA, which makes it illegal to discriminate against GLBT and disabled people in the workplace; however, it follows the same basic principles of looking at these groups of people as equals worthy of equal protections, rather than as second-class citizens as many people in these groups currently feel.
The bill was passed just a few days ago, and is on its way to President Obama, who has pledged to sign it into law!
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
What is ENDA Up to Now?
The ENDA (Employment Non-Discrimination Act) bill calls for equal protection for queer and disabled people in the workplace. For the queer community, ENDA would place ‘sexual orientation,’ ‘gender identity,’ and ‘gender expression’ on the list of traits that employers cannot discriminate against. ENDA can help our community in more than just workplace protection; this could help get the ball rolling on hate crime legislation, and would also help enable queer people to share their work benefits with their partners and families.
ENDA has been around for a long time— maybe fifteen years?—but it wasn’t close to passing until 2007, the year that saw the first Democratic majority in Congress in roughly a million years (or eight, who’s counting?). The Human Rights Campaign, who was spearheading the bill at the time, figured that the bill would have a higher chance of being passed without the word ‘transgender’ in the mix, because it was so controversial. For the benefit of the majority, the HRC dropped the minority ‘T’ from ‘GLBT,’ with good intentions that sparked a huge outrage in the trans community. The us-versus-them debate that broke out in the queer community as a result of that single legal move was phenomenal, and many heads are arguably still reeling from the impact.
If ENDA’s been around for virtually forever, what’s the big deal now? For one thing, the topic of protection against sexual orientation discrimination has been appearing in Congress again and again since the seventies, if not earlier, and is finally being debated NOW. For another, President Obama has pledged to sign this bill into law—if it passes both Houses.
A trans-inclusive ENDA is currently being debated in the House. Right now, the topic of queer discrimination is up to state lawmakers. Twelve states have adopted or developed their own version of ENDA that protects GLBT people in the workplace; seven more states have ‘sexual orientation’ protection only. The law, when passed, will make non-discrimination a national policy. ENDA will not apply to religious organizations (duh), small (as in, family-owned) businesses, or (of course) the military. It will, however, make it a whole lot harder to deny employment or the benefits that come with it to queer applicants. This is especially important to the transgender community; many transfolk have been denied jobs on the basis of their gender identity, and even those who are out in their workplaces are often unable to fully enjoy benefits such as healthcare that their coworkers are able to take advantage of.
ENDA has been around for a long time— maybe fifteen years?—but it wasn’t close to passing until 2007, the year that saw the first Democratic majority in Congress in roughly a million years (or eight, who’s counting?). The Human Rights Campaign, who was spearheading the bill at the time, figured that the bill would have a higher chance of being passed without the word ‘transgender’ in the mix, because it was so controversial. For the benefit of the majority, the HRC dropped the minority ‘T’ from ‘GLBT,’ with good intentions that sparked a huge outrage in the trans community. The us-versus-them debate that broke out in the queer community as a result of that single legal move was phenomenal, and many heads are arguably still reeling from the impact.
If ENDA’s been around for virtually forever, what’s the big deal now? For one thing, the topic of protection against sexual orientation discrimination has been appearing in Congress again and again since the seventies, if not earlier, and is finally being debated NOW. For another, President Obama has pledged to sign this bill into law—if it passes both Houses.
A trans-inclusive ENDA is currently being debated in the House. Right now, the topic of queer discrimination is up to state lawmakers. Twelve states have adopted or developed their own version of ENDA that protects GLBT people in the workplace; seven more states have ‘sexual orientation’ protection only. The law, when passed, will make non-discrimination a national policy. ENDA will not apply to religious organizations (duh), small (as in, family-owned) businesses, or (of course) the military. It will, however, make it a whole lot harder to deny employment or the benefits that come with it to queer applicants. This is especially important to the transgender community; many transfolk have been denied jobs on the basis of their gender identity, and even those who are out in their workplaces are often unable to fully enjoy benefits such as healthcare that their coworkers are able to take advantage of.
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