Dating 101

Mainstream heterosexual dating is pretty straightforward; boy meets girl. Queer dating is more complicated because queer people tend to identify themselves based on who they date. Thus, every time you enter into a relationship (or even find someone attractive), the words you use to identify yourself may change.

This whole defining-your-identity-by-who-you-date thing is no trouble at all for someone on either end of the Kinsey scale (i.e., straight or gay); it’s the rest of us, in the middle, that have trouble with it. Say you identify as bisexual, but are committed to a woman and present yourself as a man. Anyone who sees you with your partner assumes that you are a heterosexual guy. If you correct the assumption, a whole bunch of other ones—that you’re cheating on her, etc—are quickly and inevitably made. This phenomenon—bisexual invisibility—is just the tip of the iceberg of problems that arise from using the gender binary to define who we date.

Last week we talked about how no two women have the exact same gender; thus, no two people you’ve dated have had the exact same gender, although you probably have a certain “type” (tomboys, athletes, etc). Sooner or later, you figure out your type, and use that fact to choose the binary words you identify with—gay, straight, bisexual. But what if you realize your “type” isn’t about boy or girl, but about something else? Maybe you’re attracted to artists regardless of gender; maybe you’re specifically attracted to androgyny (the melding of feminine and masculine traits). When this is true, you aren’t attracted to people who fit into the girl-boy binary; thus, using words that adhere to this binary doesn’t do your personal identity justice. Tough, right? To express yourself more completely, you can use labels that acknowledge and support the fluidity of gender. The word “pansexual,” for example, essentially takes bisexuality to the next step, and means the person is open to dating men, women, and transfolk. I like to identify using the word “queer” because all it really means is I’m not heterosexual; thus, if I date a woman for a while, a transman, and then a biological man, my label doesn’t have to change.

Speaking of which, here’s the real monkey wrench: if identity hinges on attraction, what happens to your identity when your partner’s changes? If your lesbian lover comes out as a man, can you still be in a lesbian relationship? I love this one—I’ve seen it several times now, and have a couple stories to share with you next week!

Your Ticket to the Trans World

Last night, I had a two-hour phone conversation with my mom about transgender culture. Seriously. It was really awesome, not only because it means she’s supportive of my general existence, but also because it gave me a chance to talk trans with someone who genuinely had almost no exposure to the concept. The whole reason I started this blog (two whole years ago, wow) was to give people without that exposure a safe space to explore and wonder and learn and connect. I wanted this to be a space that everyone—those of us who’ve been dating transfolk for years, and those of us who have never met a trans person—could employ and enjoy. In honor of my mom, though, this one’s for the newbies.

I think one of the hardest parts of getting into the transgender world is accepting the fact that gender is not black-and-white. In order to do this, you have to give up the binary concept that you’ve been identified with since literally before your own birth. It helps to consider the fact that, even in the either-or world, there are no perfect examples of femininity or masculinity. No football player never cries, and no cheerleader was born in high heels. You can certainly believe stereotypes exist for a reason, but it’s important to note that even though most people strive to embody them, no one can ever perfectly achieve them. Realistically, everyone is a little bit gender-variant.

In short: you are not a bathroom stick figure. You have an identity of your very own, and while much of it has to do with gender, none of it is set in stone by that gender label. No two people who share a gender label are exactly the same. There are women who spend an hour on makeup before they go grocery shopping; there are also women who use eyeliner once a year. One is not less of a woman than the other; they’re just women in different ways. The transgender world simply takes this concept to the next logical step—that is, if no two biological females are exactly alike, then perhaps we shouldn’t use only one word to describe all of them. Believing that gender is fluid, and using words that reflect that basic notion, allows the people who belong to the gender-variant world access to a more honest, and accurate, exploration of identity. If you haven’t introduced yourself to this world yet, then we’re all missing out; regardless of your personal gender, you can find a place to belong here.

Connecticut Pride 6/5/10

This Saturday marked the 29th annual Connecticut Pride, held in Bushnell Park in Hartford. I can happily report (because that’s what I do) that this was one of the most trans-inclusive queer pride events that I have been to. The event itself opened with a performance by the CT Imperial Sovereign Court’s own Empress and Imperial Crown Princess, Electra Shock and Chanel Couture. As the ISC is a non-profit group that hosts drag shows to raise money for charity, you don’t get much more trans-friendly than that.

Throughout the day, the stage was graced by multiple drag performances, some campy, some seductive, some an outrageous mixture of both. In between the fun and games, of course, were the passionate speeches by everyone from teachers to social workers to pageant winners. Naturally, different groups focused on different things, but it was encouraging to hear how often the community was urged not to forget the tail end of the “GLBT” acronym. Many speakers called for help to end discrimination based on gender identity and expression.

The trans-friendly atmosphere was evident not only in the speakers but also in the groups that had tents set up around the field. Being me, I stopped at every booth that offered transgender resources or shiny rainbow trinkets—my favorites being the ones that had both! I lucked out at the CTAC/Transadvocacy table, but that was just the beginning. A few other transgender activism groups were present all day, some of which I will certainly be highlighting in the near future. One, Transcending Boundaries, is dedicated to opening minds and eyes beyond labels; others, like the Twenty Club and Transitioning and Loving Life (TaLL), are trans support organizations. It’s arguably just as important to point out that many of the groups not exclusively dedicated to the trans community made it very clear that they were trans-friendly. I won’t publish the whole list here, but stay tuned—I have SO MUCH to share with you!

If you missed it, there’s hope—Boston Pride is this Saturday, and it might be bigger than Hartford’s (don’t tell them I said that). I can’t go, so I won’t be reporting on it directly, but if anyone wants to weigh in next week let me know! And, if you haven’t been to a pride event—get out there!

Excuses Excuses: Suicide Prevention

There are two things I could pass my clear failure to keep my promise on. The first is my dead laptop charger, which I couldn’t afford to replace until recently. The second is the fact I have hit a rocky spot in my personal life (which DOES exist, you know), and ultimately came pretty close to dying myself.

Suicide is a huge problem in the GLBTQ community. Statistically, queer (gay/lesbian/bisexual etc) youth are four times more likely to attempt it than heterosexual youth. Transgender youth often have even less places to turn, and arguably even more isolation and confusion to deal with; thus, trans youth are even more at risk. In fact, I don’t think I know more than a couple transgender people who have never seriously considered suicide. It’s depressing, but that’s the reality.

Suicide comes from feeling helpless and hopeless, which is why transgender allies like us can be so important; we provide that help and hope. It’s tempting to pass off a comment about suicide as a joke or a moment of melodrama; everyone wants an excuse not to believe that the person is serious. Even really fantastic people, or people with counseling training, don’t want to admit that someone they love could be struggling. Trust me. I know.

Luckily, Suicide Prevention programs and hotlines exist EVERYWHERE. The first, and most well-known, 24/7 Suicide Prevention Hotline for GLBTQ youth is called the Trevor Project. The project was born from a short film, called Trevor, about a suicidal gay boy; the creators used the money from the film to start a resource to help people in Trevor’s position. Phone counselors go through 40+ hours of training and can be reached at ANY time at 1-866-488-7386. The website, www.thetrevorproject.org, has plenty of other resources too!

It’s scary, but not impossible, to help someone who’s contemplating suicide—but the first and hardest step is to admit that it’s a possibility. Don’t look for excuses to shy away from the word or the person; ask outright, and keep checking in. Chances are, just having someone to talk to frankly will help that person dramatically. But remember too that YOU are not a professional—so after that initial conversation, be sure to get outside help for that person. Call the Trevor Project, or if it’s a real emergency, 911. Ze may be mad at you for a day or two, but ultimately, ze’ll thank you for saving hir life. Trust me.