Is This Thing On?

Let’s be honest… this is a shameless, shameless attempt at interaction. I keep making those. But at this point, I’m SO interested in feedback, I’m willing to dedicate an ENTIRE post just to getting some! Yay self-promotion!

I want to know what you think, but specifically, I want to know what you want me to write about. Blogs really only work if the blogger is writing about things the reader cares about, see. I do what I can to mix up the topics and keep things interesting, but more often than not, the post passes on down the page, comment-less and sad. I know you’re reading them though—blogger tells me you are anyway—so I’m just wondering—where’s the response?

I want this blog to be a really flexible resource for everyone—parents, friends, siblings, partners, and of course the curious onlooker. That’s a pretty diverse group, so of course the blog reflects that—in content as well as in style. Some posts only pertain to parents or siblings, while others are partner-specific, which is why the tags exist. Additionally, while some posts are about general topics and personal experiences, others focus on time-sensitive news, or else highlight an important resource to the trans community that I think you might like to take a look at.

But you already know all of that! I guess what my question for you is—is it working? I want to hear from you! If you let me know what you want to see more of, what works and what doesn’t, I’ll definitely keep that in mind when I write. Suggest some topics! Share some experiences! I’d hoped that this blog would be a way for people to connect—so feel free to use it!

When A Partner Transitions: Part Two: Conflict

If you’ve never done it before, dating a trans person can be hard— especially if that person is someone you’re used to thinking of as a girl or boy already. Don’t feel guilty for the feelings you have about the transition—rather, explore them, be aware of them, be honest about them, and do your best to work through them. It can be really hard to feel like you have to give up the person you know, and really hard to start using a new name and/or pronoun because, let’s face it, you cared for that person strongly as they were, and maybe you don’t want them to change. The most important thing to remember in this situation is that your partner is not gone, and you are not now dating a stranger. Your partner did not change overnight; rather, they chose to share something with you that they’ve undoubtedly been thinking about privately for a long time. The person you love is still right there by your side. In fact, if you stay through the tough beginning parts, I can almost guarantee that you’ll begin to see a happier, more confident version of your lover emerge.

Beyond the “loss” experience, there’s the matter of your own private identity to attend to. If you’re queer, you’ve probably struggled a bit to come to that conclusion; you may have lost friends, fought with your family, broken a couple hearts, and spent a real long time choosing the words you use to identify with. If you identify as a lesbian, chances are, you’re proud of it; and if your partner is now a man, chances are, you’re facing a crisis. If you’re straight, dating a trans person is just as earth-shattering because you, my friend, are about to lose the heterosexual privilege that you have carried with you unknowingly every day of your life.

Can you continue identifying the way you always have? Probably—but be very conscious of how you do it. You don’t want to accidentally cause your transgender partner pain or offense. Be aware that this is probably even harder on your partner. Never, ever disregard their identity in order to cling to your own; it’s okay to acknowledge both. Go ahead and say you’re a lesbian dating a man—educate someone by example. Over time, you may begin to consider adopting a more fluid label, and you may even develop a strong sense of pride in your role in the trans world (I was a lesbian once too, you know!). Generally speaking, if your partner is transitioning, you are too. Embrace it. You’re about to have a wonderful experience. And remember—you’re not alone! We’re here!

When A Partner Transitions: Part One: Questions

I can TOTALLY say everything I want to say about this topic in four hundred words… Ha. This is going to be my first ever double post. Just promise to pick up my book someday.

Last week, we figured out that your sexual identity hinges largely on the gender identity of the people you date. So—what happens when your long-term partner comes out as transgender? Do you have to use the new pronoun all the time? Will you still be able to be physically intimate in the same way, or will that change too? Now that your partner’s come out as transgender, do you have to come out as something else? What is that even called? What if you’re comfortable with the label you’re already using, and don’t want to change it—is that okay?

Funny story—the answers to these, and the million other questions going through your head, are different for every single person. Surprise! No two transitions are the same. Each starting point is different, each ending point is different (Hormones? Surgery? Name change? Just a haircut?), and each individual journey has about as many factors and variables attached as a human life can possibly have. A trans person could opt for a whole bunch of surgery, or they could be perfectly happy with a wardrobe change. Your partner might “go stealth” and try to “pass” as a biological male or female all the time; your partner may also go the “trans pride” route, and tell anyone and everyone about what transitioning is like. There are also, of course, a million in-between scenarios. In each case, you are going to have to make some compromises—but remember, nothing happens overnight.

The bottom line with this is, you’re going to have to talk to your partner— a lot. The word “transgender” is a lot like “Christian” or “Democrat” in that lots of people use it, but it means something different to everyone, and no one aspect of the concept is guaranteed to be real to any given person who claims the label. The only never-fail rule for dating a trans person is this: to stay with your partner, you’ll have to accept this new aspect of their identity. You will have to have some long, honest conversations, and you will have to compromise—and you WILL make some mistakes. Let it happen. You’re both new at this; you’re trying, and your partner will appreciate that.

Dating a transgender person is tricky; part two of this post (which is already scheduled to post, yay planning ahead!) gets more into the potential difficulties. Stay tuned…

Dating 101

Mainstream heterosexual dating is pretty straightforward; boy meets girl. Queer dating is more complicated because queer people tend to identify themselves based on who they date. Thus, every time you enter into a relationship (or even find someone attractive), the words you use to identify yourself may change.

This whole defining-your-identity-by-who-you-date thing is no trouble at all for someone on either end of the Kinsey scale (i.e., straight or gay); it’s the rest of us, in the middle, that have trouble with it. Say you identify as bisexual, but are committed to a woman and present yourself as a man. Anyone who sees you with your partner assumes that you are a heterosexual guy. If you correct the assumption, a whole bunch of other ones—that you’re cheating on her, etc—are quickly and inevitably made. This phenomenon—bisexual invisibility—is just the tip of the iceberg of problems that arise from using the gender binary to define who we date.

Last week we talked about how no two women have the exact same gender; thus, no two people you’ve dated have had the exact same gender, although you probably have a certain “type” (tomboys, athletes, etc). Sooner or later, you figure out your type, and use that fact to choose the binary words you identify with—gay, straight, bisexual. But what if you realize your “type” isn’t about boy or girl, but about something else? Maybe you’re attracted to artists regardless of gender; maybe you’re specifically attracted to androgyny (the melding of feminine and masculine traits). When this is true, you aren’t attracted to people who fit into the girl-boy binary; thus, using words that adhere to this binary doesn’t do your personal identity justice. Tough, right? To express yourself more completely, you can use labels that acknowledge and support the fluidity of gender. The word “pansexual,” for example, essentially takes bisexuality to the next step, and means the person is open to dating men, women, and transfolk. I like to identify using the word “queer” because all it really means is I’m not heterosexual; thus, if I date a woman for a while, a transman, and then a biological man, my label doesn’t have to change.

Speaking of which, here’s the real monkey wrench: if identity hinges on attraction, what happens to your identity when your partner’s changes? If your lesbian lover comes out as a man, can you still be in a lesbian relationship? I love this one—I’ve seen it several times now, and have a couple stories to share with you next week!

Your Ticket to the Trans World

Last night, I had a two-hour phone conversation with my mom about transgender culture. Seriously. It was really awesome, not only because it means she’s supportive of my general existence, but also because it gave me a chance to talk trans with someone who genuinely had almost no exposure to the concept. The whole reason I started this blog (two whole years ago, wow) was to give people without that exposure a safe space to explore and wonder and learn and connect. I wanted this to be a space that everyone—those of us who’ve been dating transfolk for years, and those of us who have never met a trans person—could employ and enjoy. In honor of my mom, though, this one’s for the newbies.

I think one of the hardest parts of getting into the transgender world is accepting the fact that gender is not black-and-white. In order to do this, you have to give up the binary concept that you’ve been identified with since literally before your own birth. It helps to consider the fact that, even in the either-or world, there are no perfect examples of femininity or masculinity. No football player never cries, and no cheerleader was born in high heels. You can certainly believe stereotypes exist for a reason, but it’s important to note that even though most people strive to embody them, no one can ever perfectly achieve them. Realistically, everyone is a little bit gender-variant.

In short: you are not a bathroom stick figure. You have an identity of your very own, and while much of it has to do with gender, none of it is set in stone by that gender label. No two people who share a gender label are exactly the same. There are women who spend an hour on makeup before they go grocery shopping; there are also women who use eyeliner once a year. One is not less of a woman than the other; they’re just women in different ways. The transgender world simply takes this concept to the next logical step—that is, if no two biological females are exactly alike, then perhaps we shouldn’t use only one word to describe all of them. Believing that gender is fluid, and using words that reflect that basic notion, allows the people who belong to the gender-variant world access to a more honest, and accurate, exploration of identity. If you haven’t introduced yourself to this world yet, then we’re all missing out; regardless of your personal gender, you can find a place to belong here.

Connecticut Pride 6/5/10

This Saturday marked the 29th annual Connecticut Pride, held in Bushnell Park in Hartford. I can happily report (because that’s what I do) that this was one of the most trans-inclusive queer pride events that I have been to. The event itself opened with a performance by the CT Imperial Sovereign Court’s own Empress and Imperial Crown Princess, Electra Shock and Chanel Couture. As the ISC is a non-profit group that hosts drag shows to raise money for charity, you don’t get much more trans-friendly than that.

Throughout the day, the stage was graced by multiple drag performances, some campy, some seductive, some an outrageous mixture of both. In between the fun and games, of course, were the passionate speeches by everyone from teachers to social workers to pageant winners. Naturally, different groups focused on different things, but it was encouraging to hear how often the community was urged not to forget the tail end of the “GLBT” acronym. Many speakers called for help to end discrimination based on gender identity and expression.

The trans-friendly atmosphere was evident not only in the speakers but also in the groups that had tents set up around the field. Being me, I stopped at every booth that offered transgender resources or shiny rainbow trinkets—my favorites being the ones that had both! I lucked out at the CTAC/Transadvocacy table, but that was just the beginning. A few other transgender activism groups were present all day, some of which I will certainly be highlighting in the near future. One, Transcending Boundaries, is dedicated to opening minds and eyes beyond labels; others, like the Twenty Club and Transitioning and Loving Life (TaLL), are trans support organizations. It’s arguably just as important to point out that many of the groups not exclusively dedicated to the trans community made it very clear that they were trans-friendly. I won’t publish the whole list here, but stay tuned—I have SO MUCH to share with you!

If you missed it, there’s hope—Boston Pride is this Saturday, and it might be bigger than Hartford’s (don’t tell them I said that). I can’t go, so I won’t be reporting on it directly, but if anyone wants to weigh in next week let me know! And, if you haven’t been to a pride event—get out there!

Excuses Excuses: Suicide Prevention

There are two things I could pass my clear failure to keep my promise on. The first is my dead laptop charger, which I couldn’t afford to replace until recently. The second is the fact I have hit a rocky spot in my personal life (which DOES exist, you know), and ultimately came pretty close to dying myself.

Suicide is a huge problem in the GLBTQ community. Statistically, queer (gay/lesbian/bisexual etc) youth are four times more likely to attempt it than heterosexual youth. Transgender youth often have even less places to turn, and arguably even more isolation and confusion to deal with; thus, trans youth are even more at risk. In fact, I don’t think I know more than a couple transgender people who have never seriously considered suicide. It’s depressing, but that’s the reality.

Suicide comes from feeling helpless and hopeless, which is why transgender allies like us can be so important; we provide that help and hope. It’s tempting to pass off a comment about suicide as a joke or a moment of melodrama; everyone wants an excuse not to believe that the person is serious. Even really fantastic people, or people with counseling training, don’t want to admit that someone they love could be struggling. Trust me. I know.

Luckily, Suicide Prevention programs and hotlines exist EVERYWHERE. The first, and most well-known, 24/7 Suicide Prevention Hotline for GLBTQ youth is called the Trevor Project. The project was born from a short film, called Trevor, about a suicidal gay boy; the creators used the money from the film to start a resource to help people in Trevor’s position. Phone counselors go through 40+ hours of training and can be reached at ANY time at 1-866-488-7386. The website, www.thetrevorproject.org, has plenty of other resources too!

It’s scary, but not impossible, to help someone who’s contemplating suicide—but the first and hardest step is to admit that it’s a possibility. Don’t look for excuses to shy away from the word or the person; ask outright, and keep checking in. Chances are, just having someone to talk to frankly will help that person dramatically. But remember too that YOU are not a professional—so after that initial conversation, be sure to get outside help for that person. Call the Trevor Project, or if it’s a real emergency, 911. Ze may be mad at you for a day or two, but ultimately, ze’ll thank you for saving hir life. Trust me.