Excuses Excuses: Suicide Prevention

There are two things I could pass my clear failure to keep my promise on. The first is my dead laptop charger, which I couldn’t afford to replace until recently. The second is the fact I have hit a rocky spot in my personal life (which DOES exist, you know), and ultimately came pretty close to dying myself.

Suicide is a huge problem in the GLBTQ community. Statistically, queer (gay/lesbian/bisexual etc) youth are four times more likely to attempt it than heterosexual youth. Transgender youth often have even less places to turn, and arguably even more isolation and confusion to deal with; thus, trans youth are even more at risk. In fact, I don’t think I know more than a couple transgender people who have never seriously considered suicide. It’s depressing, but that’s the reality.

Suicide comes from feeling helpless and hopeless, which is why transgender allies like us can be so important; we provide that help and hope. It’s tempting to pass off a comment about suicide as a joke or a moment of melodrama; everyone wants an excuse not to believe that the person is serious. Even really fantastic people, or people with counseling training, don’t want to admit that someone they love could be struggling. Trust me. I know.

Luckily, Suicide Prevention programs and hotlines exist EVERYWHERE. The first, and most well-known, 24/7 Suicide Prevention Hotline for GLBTQ youth is called the Trevor Project. The project was born from a short film, called Trevor, about a suicidal gay boy; the creators used the money from the film to start a resource to help people in Trevor’s position. Phone counselors go through 40+ hours of training and can be reached at ANY time at 1-866-488-7386. The website, www.thetrevorproject.org, has plenty of other resources too!

It’s scary, but not impossible, to help someone who’s contemplating suicide—but the first and hardest step is to admit that it’s a possibility. Don’t look for excuses to shy away from the word or the person; ask outright, and keep checking in. Chances are, just having someone to talk to frankly will help that person dramatically. But remember too that YOU are not a professional—so after that initial conversation, be sure to get outside help for that person. Call the Trevor Project, or if it’s a real emergency, 911. Ze may be mad at you for a day or two, but ultimately, ze’ll thank you for saving hir life. Trust me.

Uh-Oh... Holidays.

When someone comes out as transgender, the family freaks out. This is fact even if everyone in your family is also transgender… which pretty much has never happened in the history of the world. Anyway, fact is, there’s a LOT of things that go through family members’ minds when they get news like this—and lots of it has little to do with the actual transgender person. Is this person gay now? Do I need to use a new name or pronoun? Will everyone else use it? Should I let this person talk to my kids about this change? What will my friends think? How are we supposed to act during the next family get-together? Lots of these questions seem superficial to the rest of us, but they’re very real, and often very pressing, for the people they are occurring to.

The gender binary is a staple for many families’ versions of holiday get-togethers. If your family is like mine, all the “men” hang out in the living room insulting one another’s wives and politics while all of the “women” work on the food and compare the accomplishments of their children… while everyone under twenty-five is confined to the porch. Gender plays a big role in the family, but I promise you: people have gotten through their family get-togethers with a transgender family member or guest in the past, and YOU CAN TOO.

You’ve got options. Say your brother is now your sister, but has always spent the holiday in the masculine-designated section of the house. Why stop now? You can also embrace the binary and convince your sister to hang out with the women for the first time. Or, you can try something totally different; pick a non-gendered space, like the den or dining room, to hang out in, and encourage everyone in the house to spend time with you—a board game or snack may help with this. No matter the strategy you take, it’s not a bad idea to stay with her to provide a quick subject-change or exit strategy if things go awry. You never know though; your family just may surprise you.

The first time your family meets the new version of your relative/guest is going to be a bit awkward; that’s pretty much a fact. The second fact is that you are still family, and as awkward and annoying and insensitive as they may be at times—or almost always—there’s still that family connection, and that still means something.

The Tough Parts

Being a trans ally, or “Transgender Defender” if you’re feeling super-hero-y about it, isn’t always easy. Sometimes it’s awkward, or alienating—you can’t explain your feelings to people who embrace the binary, but you can’t truly relate to the transfolk who utterly reject it either. In fact, being a trans ally can be downright depressing sometimes.

Say you’re dating a transgender person, and all your friends freak out because you’re no longer adhering to their definitions of ‘gay’ or ‘straight’—a dichotomy based on gender. Say your parents freak out because they don’t think you’ll ever have children. Or, say your aunts and uncles don’t let you near your baby cousins because you might somehow destroy them. That part’s my favorite.

Say you’re related to a transgender person, and the rest of the family starts whispering behind your back. Wondering why you’re so supportive of the perversity, as they see it, wondering what it is you have to gain from making all of them feel so awkward. Trashing you because you’re not united against the problem like the rest of the family; you’re not helping to find a solution.

Say you’re just friendly with a transgender person, and your friends and family all worry that you might decide you’re going to change your appearance or even body, too. Say you get shunned because no one wants to be associated with someone, who associates with someone, who’s different.

Say this all happened years ago, and you think by now everyone’s over it. Then your transgender friend does his first drag performance, and someone who’s known about this friend for years—someone who’s supposed to love and respect you unconditionally—says, “when will it make up its mind?” That can throw you into a funk for a weekend.

Thing is, no matter how far you come with the people you love, there’s still some more to go. Unless everyone you know is marching alongside you in the transgender pride march—and sometimes even then—there’s going to be strife. Sometimes you’re aware of it and can sidestep it. Sometimes it blindsides you out of left field.

There are two things to remember when this happens. One, if you feel ostracized, just imagine how the transgender person who got you into this community feels. Two—you are not alone. There are tons of transgender allies out there, and they are all facing the same kinds of things in their daily lives. In fact, that’s why this blog exists.

Why is My Sister a Boy Now?

When a loved one comes out as transgender, it’s hard to understand. They’ve lived their whole lives as the gender they were born into—why would they suddenly want to be the opposite one (or even more confusing, why would they suddenly invent a third gender?)? Are they mad at you or your family? Are they seeking attention? Is it a point they have to prove? Is it just a phase?

Coming out and transitioning (changing one’s appearance etc) is different for everyone. There are, however, a few practically universal tips you can keep in mind to help make the process easier for you, your transgender sibling, and the rest of your family.

ONE: It’s not that sudden. Sometimes your buzz-cut, makeup-phobic sister comes out as a guy and you go, “duh!” Other times, the news is a complete shock. Maybe she’s worn dresses and dated boys her whole life, and is suddenly unrecognizable to you. Remember, though: although it may feel like everything’s changed overnight, in reality your sibling has probably been dealing with this for years.

TWO: S/he’s still the same person. It may seem like a stranger has taken up residence in your sister’s room, but I assure you, the person you shared secrets with and stole Halloween candy from is still right there. Just because they look different doesn’t mean they have changed or their feelings for you or your family have changed.

THREE: It’s not about you. Often, someone will come out during a difficult time—a divorce, a family move. Coming out during a tough time is NOT a malicious move. It may mean the stress of the event on top of the ‘secret’ was too much to take; it may mean they want to start this new phase of your lives with a more open identity. Whatever the reason, it’s not about attention or upsetting you.

FOUR: Ignoring it won’t make it go away. The only thing you will accomplish by refusing to acknowledge or respect the change is making your sibling feel more alienated than s/he probably already does. Do your best (no one’s perfect!) to respect the new pronouns (and name if there is one). Doing this will help your sibling feel safe and appreciated.

FIVE: They still need you. Coming out is hard. The fact that they’ve talked to you means they trust you, value you, and want you in their life. It’s hard to understand, but do your best to keep an open mind. You’ve no idea the gift you’ll be giving just by being there.

It's A Boy! It's A Girl! It's a Human Being!

So… seems like all I’ve been posting about lately is depressing and/or full of legal and political jargon. Let’s try to aim for some casual, honest conversation in this post, shall we?

A coworker of mine is having a baby. She and her husband have had two girls, and now they are finally having a little boy to complete their ideal family. That, of course, was exactly what she was hoping for; the chance to raise children that were both male and female. She’s very close to her due date, and of course customers compliment her and ask her questions all the time. Therefore, I constantly hear about how lucky she is to have both boys and girls; how much harder it is to raise one than the other; how many things she’ll have to deal with for one that she won’t have to deal with for the other.

I always want to ask her why it’s so important. Why is it necessary to have both sexes in order to complete the ideal family? Why is the first question asked, about any baby, by any friend or relative, about its sex? Why is the answer to that question always accompanied with images of fresh paint, fuzzy blankets, stuffed animals, pacifiers—that only come in one of two colors? The gendering of a human being starts well before ze is even born. Clothes, name, toys; everything is chosen to suggest the gender of the baby, and with that, the expectations for hir future. Oh, she’s so pretty, what a great smile, she’ll be an actress or a model; oh, his eyes are so bright, he’s going to be smart, he’ll be a doctor or a lawyer. All this before ze realizes ze exists, let alone that ze has hir own identity! By the time ze realizes that, an identity has long been assigned.

Mothers are often offended when a stranger comments that her little boy is pretty or her little girl is handsome. To avoid this, they put tiny pink bows on girls’ heads and tiny blue socks on boys’ feet. They pierce girls’ ears before they can talk; they keep boys’ hair short no matter how hard it is to keep them sitting still.

Isn’t gender a sociological construct? Aren’t the non-physical differences between boys and girls purely created by society? Doesn’t just about everyone complain about sexism? Why, then, do we continue to create it? Why is it so much easier? Your turn. Tell us what you think!