Uh-Oh... Holidays.

When someone comes out as transgender, the family freaks out. This is fact even if everyone in your family is also transgender… which pretty much has never happened in the history of the world. Anyway, fact is, there’s a LOT of things that go through family members’ minds when they get news like this—and lots of it has little to do with the actual transgender person. Is this person gay now? Do I need to use a new name or pronoun? Will everyone else use it? Should I let this person talk to my kids about this change? What will my friends think? How are we supposed to act during the next family get-together? Lots of these questions seem superficial to the rest of us, but they’re very real, and often very pressing, for the people they are occurring to.

The gender binary is a staple for many families’ versions of holiday get-togethers. If your family is like mine, all the “men” hang out in the living room insulting one another’s wives and politics while all of the “women” work on the food and compare the accomplishments of their children… while everyone under twenty-five is confined to the porch. Gender plays a big role in the family, but I promise you: people have gotten through their family get-togethers with a transgender family member or guest in the past, and YOU CAN TOO.

You’ve got options. Say your brother is now your sister, but has always spent the holiday in the masculine-designated section of the house. Why stop now? You can also embrace the binary and convince your sister to hang out with the women for the first time. Or, you can try something totally different; pick a non-gendered space, like the den or dining room, to hang out in, and encourage everyone in the house to spend time with you—a board game or snack may help with this. No matter the strategy you take, it’s not a bad idea to stay with her to provide a quick subject-change or exit strategy if things go awry. You never know though; your family just may surprise you.

The first time your family meets the new version of your relative/guest is going to be a bit awkward; that’s pretty much a fact. The second fact is that you are still family, and as awkward and annoying and insensitive as they may be at times—or almost always—there’s still that family connection, and that still means something.