Hooray—the obligatory end/beginning-of-year blog post!
2009 was pretty big for the trans community, I think—maybe not the biggest ever, but still pretty substantial. A bunch of employment and health care cases reached various courts and gained various publicity; some rights were earned, while others are closer than ever to being obtained. ENDA is becoming a reality; affordable transitions are becoming a possibility; murders and assaults committed because of transphobic bigotry are now considered federal hate crimes. Things are changing state-by-state, too. For example, New York just became the seventh state in America to prohibit discrimination based on gender identity in state employment. And come on. Chaz Bono came out!
2010 *should* be a good one too, right? We’re still working towards a lot of things, and the progress may be slow, but we’re closer now than ever before. We need better laws surrounding employment, housing, and education, sure, and maybe even access to public bathrooms; we need to ensure that people are taking ENDA and the hate crimes law seriously; we need better health care; we need to work hard to ensure that gender variance is “normalized” in our society.
The great news is, it’s not just the trans-specific groups working to get us there. For example, GLAD (Gay and Lesbian Advocates and Defenders) published a “wish list for the coming year” that includes a bullet point that says, “a win in our challenge to the IRS's refusal to allow a transgender woman a tax deduction for her medical care.” We’re getting there—together.
What do YOU think the best part of 2009 was for the transgender community? What are you looking forward to THIS year?
Monday, January 4, 2010
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Uh-Oh... Holidays.
When someone comes out as transgender, the family freaks out. This is fact even if everyone in your family is also transgender… which pretty much has never happened in the history of the world. Anyway, fact is, there’s a LOT of things that go through family members’ minds when they get news like this—and lots of it has little to do with the actual transgender person. Is this person gay now? Do I need to use a new name or pronoun? Will everyone else use it? Should I let this person talk to my kids about this change? What will my friends think? How are we supposed to act during the next family get-together? Lots of these questions seem superficial to the rest of us, but they’re very real, and often very pressing, for the people they are occurring to.
The gender binary is a staple for many families’ versions of holiday get-togethers. If your family is like mine, all the “men” hang out in the living room insulting one another’s wives and politics while all of the “women” work on the food and compare the accomplishments of their children… while everyone under twenty-five is confined to the porch. Gender plays a big role in the family, but I promise you: people have gotten through their family get-togethers with a transgender family member or guest in the past, and YOU CAN TOO.
You’ve got options. Say your brother is now your sister, but has always spent the holiday in the masculine-designated section of the house. Why stop now? You can also embrace the binary and convince your sister to hang out with the women for the first time. Or, you can try something totally different; pick a non-gendered space, like the den or dining room, to hang out in, and encourage everyone in the house to spend time with you—a board game or snack may help with this. No matter the strategy you take, it’s not a bad idea to stay with her to provide a quick subject-change or exit strategy if things go awry. You never know though; your family just may surprise you.
The first time your family meets the new version of your relative/guest is going to be a bit awkward; that’s pretty much a fact. The second fact is that you are still family, and as awkward and annoying and insensitive as they may be at times—or almost always—there’s still that family connection, and that still means something.
The gender binary is a staple for many families’ versions of holiday get-togethers. If your family is like mine, all the “men” hang out in the living room insulting one another’s wives and politics while all of the “women” work on the food and compare the accomplishments of their children… while everyone under twenty-five is confined to the porch. Gender plays a big role in the family, but I promise you: people have gotten through their family get-togethers with a transgender family member or guest in the past, and YOU CAN TOO.
You’ve got options. Say your brother is now your sister, but has always spent the holiday in the masculine-designated section of the house. Why stop now? You can also embrace the binary and convince your sister to hang out with the women for the first time. Or, you can try something totally different; pick a non-gendered space, like the den or dining room, to hang out in, and encourage everyone in the house to spend time with you—a board game or snack may help with this. No matter the strategy you take, it’s not a bad idea to stay with her to provide a quick subject-change or exit strategy if things go awry. You never know though; your family just may surprise you.
The first time your family meets the new version of your relative/guest is going to be a bit awkward; that’s pretty much a fact. The second fact is that you are still family, and as awkward and annoying and insensitive as they may be at times—or almost always—there’s still that family connection, and that still means something.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
The Tough Parts
Being a trans ally, or “Transgender Defender” if you’re feeling super-hero-y about it, isn’t always easy. Sometimes it’s awkward, or alienating—you can’t explain your feelings to people who embrace the binary, but you can’t truly relate to the transfolk who utterly reject it either. In fact, being a trans ally can be downright depressing sometimes.
Say you’re dating a transgender person, and all your friends freak out because you’re no longer adhering to their definitions of ‘gay’ or ‘straight’—a dichotomy based on gender. Say your parents freak out because they don’t think you’ll ever have children. Or, say your aunts and uncles don’t let you near your baby cousins because you might somehow destroy them. That part’s my favorite.
Say you’re related to a transgender person, and the rest of the family starts whispering behind your back. Wondering why you’re so supportive of the perversity, as they see it, wondering what it is you have to gain from making all of them feel so awkward. Trashing you because you’re not united against the problem like the rest of the family; you’re not helping to find a solution.
Say you’re just friendly with a transgender person, and your friends and family all worry that you might decide you’re going to change your appearance or even body, too. Say you get shunned because no one wants to be associated with someone, who associates with someone, who’s different.
Say this all happened years ago, and you think by now everyone’s over it. Then your transgender friend does his first drag performance, and someone who’s known about this friend for years—someone who’s supposed to love and respect you unconditionally—says, “when will it make up its mind?” That can throw you into a funk for a weekend.
Thing is, no matter how far you come with the people you love, there’s still some more to go. Unless everyone you know is marching alongside you in the transgender pride march—and sometimes even then—there’s going to be strife. Sometimes you’re aware of it and can sidestep it. Sometimes it blindsides you out of left field.
There are two things to remember when this happens. One, if you feel ostracized, just imagine how the transgender person who got you into this community feels. Two—you are not alone. There are tons of transgender allies out there, and they are all facing the same kinds of things in their daily lives. In fact, that’s why this blog exists.
Say you’re dating a transgender person, and all your friends freak out because you’re no longer adhering to their definitions of ‘gay’ or ‘straight’—a dichotomy based on gender. Say your parents freak out because they don’t think you’ll ever have children. Or, say your aunts and uncles don’t let you near your baby cousins because you might somehow destroy them. That part’s my favorite.
Say you’re related to a transgender person, and the rest of the family starts whispering behind your back. Wondering why you’re so supportive of the perversity, as they see it, wondering what it is you have to gain from making all of them feel so awkward. Trashing you because you’re not united against the problem like the rest of the family; you’re not helping to find a solution.
Say you’re just friendly with a transgender person, and your friends and family all worry that you might decide you’re going to change your appearance or even body, too. Say you get shunned because no one wants to be associated with someone, who associates with someone, who’s different.
Say this all happened years ago, and you think by now everyone’s over it. Then your transgender friend does his first drag performance, and someone who’s known about this friend for years—someone who’s supposed to love and respect you unconditionally—says, “when will it make up its mind?” That can throw you into a funk for a weekend.
Thing is, no matter how far you come with the people you love, there’s still some more to go. Unless everyone you know is marching alongside you in the transgender pride march—and sometimes even then—there’s going to be strife. Sometimes you’re aware of it and can sidestep it. Sometimes it blindsides you out of left field.
There are two things to remember when this happens. One, if you feel ostracized, just imagine how the transgender person who got you into this community feels. Two—you are not alone. There are tons of transgender allies out there, and they are all facing the same kinds of things in their daily lives. In fact, that’s why this blog exists.
Monday, November 16, 2009
TDOR 2009
It’s that time of year again. In just a couple days, Transgender Day of Remembrance ceremonies and activities will be taking place everywhere. This is probably the most depressing queer action/activism day ever, but it’s something that many transfolk and their allies view as important and necessary, and consequently, take very seriously.
Transgender Day of Remembrance—TDOR for short—is a day that focuses on transgender people who lost their lives because of prejudice. Every year, an untold number of unique gender-variant lives are lost because of bigotry. Sometimes, people are victims of hate crimes; other times, they take their own lives because they are victims of depression, bullying, harassment, sexual assault, violence, or other forms of hatred. Other times, the death is a long, horrifying story; for example, some transgender people have died due to complications with AIDS after being refused treatment from several medical facilities based on their gender identities and presentations. Being transgender in itself is NOT DANGEROUS; hatred is.
The point of TDOR is to honor the unique lives that were cut short by hatred, and also to protest the fact that we lose human lives for such a ridiculous thing as transphobia in the first place. TDOR events come in many forms, but all of them incorporate a way to remember the people who died unnecessarily in the past year. My college gay-straight alliance is going to hold a “die-in” in our school cafeteria in order to raise awareness of the issue during the day; at night, we are going to hold a Reading of the Names Ceremony. During this Ceremony, participants spend a moment in the shoes of those that have been lost, reading their life—and death—stories in the first person aloud in front of everyone. The experience is very powerful for everyone attending, especially the reader. These are two activities that are widely used in many organizations’ versions of TDOR events.
Chances are, you can find a TDOR event near you using the internet. TDOR is generally held in late November order to honor Rita Hester, a 1998 hate crimes victim, but there are TDOR events on many different days. Look for a way to get involved and for more information—and of course, if you care to share your story, you can do so on this blog!
2009 names list.
TDOR info, courtesy of Connecticut’s Transadvocacy Organization.
Transgender Day of Remembrance—TDOR for short—is a day that focuses on transgender people who lost their lives because of prejudice. Every year, an untold number of unique gender-variant lives are lost because of bigotry. Sometimes, people are victims of hate crimes; other times, they take their own lives because they are victims of depression, bullying, harassment, sexual assault, violence, or other forms of hatred. Other times, the death is a long, horrifying story; for example, some transgender people have died due to complications with AIDS after being refused treatment from several medical facilities based on their gender identities and presentations. Being transgender in itself is NOT DANGEROUS; hatred is.
The point of TDOR is to honor the unique lives that were cut short by hatred, and also to protest the fact that we lose human lives for such a ridiculous thing as transphobia in the first place. TDOR events come in many forms, but all of them incorporate a way to remember the people who died unnecessarily in the past year. My college gay-straight alliance is going to hold a “die-in” in our school cafeteria in order to raise awareness of the issue during the day; at night, we are going to hold a Reading of the Names Ceremony. During this Ceremony, participants spend a moment in the shoes of those that have been lost, reading their life—and death—stories in the first person aloud in front of everyone. The experience is very powerful for everyone attending, especially the reader. These are two activities that are widely used in many organizations’ versions of TDOR events.
Chances are, you can find a TDOR event near you using the internet. TDOR is generally held in late November order to honor Rita Hester, a 1998 hate crimes victim, but there are TDOR events on many different days. Look for a way to get involved and for more information—and of course, if you care to share your story, you can do so on this blog!
2009 names list.
TDOR info, courtesy of Connecticut’s Transadvocacy Organization.
Monday, November 9, 2009
National March for Equality
So, about a month ago, there was a big huge march on Washington for queer rights. People wanted gay marriage legalized, of course, but there were a bunch of other things brought up over and over again—repealing the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy of the army, calling for support for ENDA (Employment Non-Discrimination Act, which would make it illegal to fire transfolk or disabled people on the basis of those traits), and so on. Transgender rights may not have been at the top of the bill, but they were definitely on there, including everything from ENDA to healthcare to further educating the queer community. There were even several transgender or transgender-ally speakers at the rally at the end of the march, although their names escape me because everyone from Judy Shepard to Lady GaGa took a turn at the microphone. It was great to see the National March for Equality be so trans-inclusive.
At least on the surface. Although the organizers certainly did their best to include *everyone*, I couldn’t help but notice some discrepancies in the representation of the queer community that day. Sure, everyone and their mother—literally—had a sign that read “LGBT RIGHTS!” or something to that effect. But how were people reacting to transgender issues REALLY?
A pair of people near me in the beginning of the march started up a chant about not forgetting the T in LGBT. My roommate and I picked it up for a few turns, but no one else did, and the four of us soon died down until the next chant—something about marriage, something that the whole crowd joined in on. What was that about? Was it just my imagination, or were people paying far less attention to the transgender speakers—less fists in the air, less cheers, less rainbow flags waving their approval? The thing that really made the entire issue stand out for me was a kid about my age with a sign with the transgender symbol on it. The sign read simply, “what about me?”
Whether you’ve been a transgender ally for years, or you’re just reading that phrase for the first time today, you’ve probably noticed that transgender issues and ‘gay’ issues are different. Are the communities just different, or are they entirely separate? Is the queer world as inclusive of transgender issues and interests as we would all like to think? Have you ever had an experience that would make you answer these questions one way or the other?
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Why is My Sister a Boy Now?
When a loved one comes out as transgender, it’s hard to understand. They’ve lived their whole lives as the gender they were born into—why would they suddenly want to be the opposite one (or even more confusing, why would they suddenly invent a third gender?)? Are they mad at you or your family? Are they seeking attention? Is it a point they have to prove? Is it just a phase?
Coming out and transitioning (changing one’s appearance etc) is different for everyone. There are, however, a few practically universal tips you can keep in mind to help make the process easier for you, your transgender sibling, and the rest of your family.
ONE: It’s not that sudden. Sometimes your buzz-cut, makeup-phobic sister comes out as a guy and you go, “duh!” Other times, the news is a complete shock. Maybe she’s worn dresses and dated boys her whole life, and is suddenly unrecognizable to you. Remember, though: although it may feel like everything’s changed overnight, in reality your sibling has probably been dealing with this for years.
TWO: S/he’s still the same person. It may seem like a stranger has taken up residence in your sister’s room, but I assure you, the person you shared secrets with and stole Halloween candy from is still right there. Just because they look different doesn’t mean they have changed or their feelings for you or your family have changed.
THREE: It’s not about you. Often, someone will come out during a difficult time—a divorce, a family move. Coming out during a tough time is NOT a malicious move. It may mean the stress of the event on top of the ‘secret’ was too much to take; it may mean they want to start this new phase of your lives with a more open identity. Whatever the reason, it’s not about attention or upsetting you.
FOUR: Ignoring it won’t make it go away. The only thing you will accomplish by refusing to acknowledge or respect the change is making your sibling feel more alienated than s/he probably already does. Do your best (no one’s perfect!) to respect the new pronouns (and name if there is one). Doing this will help your sibling feel safe and appreciated.
FIVE: They still need you. Coming out is hard. The fact that they’ve talked to you means they trust you, value you, and want you in their life. It’s hard to understand, but do your best to keep an open mind. You’ve no idea the gift you’ll be giving just by being there.
Coming out and transitioning (changing one’s appearance etc) is different for everyone. There are, however, a few practically universal tips you can keep in mind to help make the process easier for you, your transgender sibling, and the rest of your family.
ONE: It’s not that sudden. Sometimes your buzz-cut, makeup-phobic sister comes out as a guy and you go, “duh!” Other times, the news is a complete shock. Maybe she’s worn dresses and dated boys her whole life, and is suddenly unrecognizable to you. Remember, though: although it may feel like everything’s changed overnight, in reality your sibling has probably been dealing with this for years.
TWO: S/he’s still the same person. It may seem like a stranger has taken up residence in your sister’s room, but I assure you, the person you shared secrets with and stole Halloween candy from is still right there. Just because they look different doesn’t mean they have changed or their feelings for you or your family have changed.
THREE: It’s not about you. Often, someone will come out during a difficult time—a divorce, a family move. Coming out during a tough time is NOT a malicious move. It may mean the stress of the event on top of the ‘secret’ was too much to take; it may mean they want to start this new phase of your lives with a more open identity. Whatever the reason, it’s not about attention or upsetting you.
FOUR: Ignoring it won’t make it go away. The only thing you will accomplish by refusing to acknowledge or respect the change is making your sibling feel more alienated than s/he probably already does. Do your best (no one’s perfect!) to respect the new pronouns (and name if there is one). Doing this will help your sibling feel safe and appreciated.
FIVE: They still need you. Coming out is hard. The fact that they’ve talked to you means they trust you, value you, and want you in their life. It’s hard to understand, but do your best to keep an open mind. You’ve no idea the gift you’ll be giving just by being there.
Monday, October 19, 2009
College Dresscode: No Cross-Dressing
So. A college is banning cross-dressing. In 2009. College.
Morehouse College (an “all-male” school) has put together an “Appropriate Attire Policy” that includes everything you’d expect a dress code to have: no hats or sunglasses in buildings, no pajamas or sagging pants. Oh, and no wearing feminine clothing.
I’m really wary of any college that feels the need to put out a dress code for its students. I’m extremely wary of something so blatantly transphobic as a dress code that disallows people who have certain sexual organs to dress in ways associated with other sexual organs. My favorite part is that students who break the policy will be denied access to class, and people who do it often enough will be suspended. Frequently, an argument for dress codes is that it allows students to focus on their studies. Are these studies only useful to people who dress the way the President of the College does? I’ve heard higher education be referred to as brainwashing, but damn.
According to one article, the school’s gay-straight alliance is not against the policy.
Granted, gender variance is probably not as expected and accepted in Georgia as it is in New England. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen, though—just that transfolk who are born and raised in areas that are less accepting are even more closeted and, most likely, feel even more isolated. This kind of rule is just one example of the myriad of ways that this isolation, and the feeling of shame that often accompanies being in the closet, is enforced and upheld by society in general. We still have a lot of work to do if we’re ever going to get to a point where freedom of expression is more than just a liberal ideal.
I recently heard on the radio about a similar situation in a high school. I’ll try to look that up ASAP. In the meantime, here is the link to the article. I’d love to hear some response to this!
Morehouse College (an “all-male” school) has put together an “Appropriate Attire Policy” that includes everything you’d expect a dress code to have: no hats or sunglasses in buildings, no pajamas or sagging pants. Oh, and no wearing feminine clothing.
I’m really wary of any college that feels the need to put out a dress code for its students. I’m extremely wary of something so blatantly transphobic as a dress code that disallows people who have certain sexual organs to dress in ways associated with other sexual organs. My favorite part is that students who break the policy will be denied access to class, and people who do it often enough will be suspended. Frequently, an argument for dress codes is that it allows students to focus on their studies. Are these studies only useful to people who dress the way the President of the College does? I’ve heard higher education be referred to as brainwashing, but damn.
According to one article, the school’s gay-straight alliance is not against the policy.
Granted, gender variance is probably not as expected and accepted in Georgia as it is in New England. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen, though—just that transfolk who are born and raised in areas that are less accepting are even more closeted and, most likely, feel even more isolated. This kind of rule is just one example of the myriad of ways that this isolation, and the feeling of shame that often accompanies being in the closet, is enforced and upheld by society in general. We still have a lot of work to do if we’re ever going to get to a point where freedom of expression is more than just a liberal ideal.
I recently heard on the radio about a similar situation in a high school. I’ll try to look that up ASAP. In the meantime, here is the link to the article. I’d love to hear some response to this!
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